I had no idea my intro to entrepreneurship class would be such an emotionally stirring
class for me. I don’t need it as a required class for graduation. Honestly, I
could just take an easy Critical Thinking class for .5 credit instead of this 3-credit
class to complete my required elective credits and save myself the time and money I will spend on it. But from the first
time I saw it as an option and read the description, I was drawn to it. I don’t
know if I will be an entrepreneur or anything, although I know I am smart
enough and have the work ethic to be one. I think the Spirit was drawing me to
this class because I need to feel I have the permission, even the right, to be
the entrepreneur of my life…the Startup of ME! I am the 2nd oldest
of 7 kids. I have a brother who is 1 year older than me and I have always loved
him dearly and been fiercely loyal to him. It would hurt me when others were
mean to him or judged him. I was the more responsible of the two of us. I was
the “oldest” when it came to home and family responsibilities. I think it is
typically that way between boys and girls. I was the second mom in our home. I
felt a great deal of responsibility to make my mom’s life easier as she was a
child raising children, having been married at 15, giving birth to my brother
at 16, and me at age 17, and the rest coming every couple of years after that
and my youngest brother 8 years after the 6th child. She always told
me I was her “right hand” and she didn’t know how she would have managed
without me there to help her. My dad was always proud of me, and I NEVER wanted
to disappoint him. My parents had a rocky relationship, and they were often
fighting. My mom needed a lot of love and attention, and my dad was a
workaholic. My mom was quite controlling, and my dad didn’t want to deal with
her so he worked all the time. My mom would often tell me they were going to
get a divorce. I would be heart broken and cry in my bedroom. That is, until one
day when I was in 7th grade. That day as my mom drove me to school
and told me, yet again, that they were going to get divorced because dad wouldn’t
change, and she had had enough. I sat there emotionless and just counting down
the seconds until I could get out of the car. My mom then looked at me and
said, “Well Jennifer, how do you feel about this?” I looked at her and with as
much humility and respect as I could possibly demonstrate, I said, “Mom, I don’t
mean any disrespect by this at all, but…I’ll believe it when I see it?” It was
as close as I had ever gotten to speaking my mind to my mom, and as respectful
as I could possibly do so.
As the oldest daughter, I felt a responsibility to give my
siblings all the love and encouragement and nurturing I could. They were my
focus and highest priority. When my parents would fight, I would gather them
all into my bedroom and close my door, turn on some music or read them books to
distract them from what was going on with my parents. I would sometimes pray with
them when it was really intense, and I would hug them and tell them that things
would be okay. We bonded as siblings through these hard times. I also remember
that I was put in charge a lot. I would be the one to make sure that we all did
our chores or got the house cleaned up. I learned quickly that the best way to
get my siblings to cooperate was to be loving and to make everything fun.
Otherwise, I would end up doing most or all the work by myself. I remember
wishing I could have more play time as a kid and more freedom. It was such a
treat to be allowed to go out in the neighborhood and play games with the kids
who lived near us. My mom was not very keen on us playing outside for long
periods of time. She had been sexually abused by a couple neighbors when
playing outside and I think she feared for our safety. Plus, she needed my help
with such a large family. I loved going to my grandparents houses because I could
just play and be a kid. I did not have to worry about responsibilities of
working, making dinner, watching the littles, etc. I remember my mom relied
heavily on me. I wanted to play on a soccer team, but she couldn’t manage
things without my help, so the answer had to be no. My brother and sister
played on soccer teams, even though they were not as passionate about it as I
was. They both were more difficult for my mom, so she saw the soccer team as a
way for them to expend their energy and be involved in something good so they
wouldn’t get into trouble. It made my heart ache watching them as I wished I
could have been the one out there. I would say I am the most athletic of all my
siblings and to this day, at age 47, I still am an athlete. I run 4-5 times a
week year-round, hike and backpack in the spring, summer, and fall, snow ski in
the winter, and go boating and camping with my family in the summer. I will
play any sport and I don’t care if I am good at it at first or not. If I enjoy it,
I will pick it up and excel at it rather quickly. I was not allowed the
opportunities I desired growing up very often because my responsibilities at
home were too all-encompassing. I learned at a very young age to put my desires
and dreams second to everyone else’s needs. I felt I was being Christlike, and
this was a good thing.
Now, I feel like I am battling within myself to know whether
it is selfish of me to pursue my dreams and passions. I have my own family of 7
kids and a husband, and I love them and live for them. I am accustomed to
putting my needs last, and definitely my wants and dreams. I have also trained
myself to “be a realist” and not get my hopes up. Because whenever I would, I
would get my heart broken. To protect myself, I became a realist and didn’t
allow my emotions or hopes to get the best of me. When I learned to snow ski at
age 44, I fell in love and within one year I was skiing black diamonds. That
was after going skiing about 12 total times. Like I said, I can pick things up
quickly. I am a fast learner when I love something, whether athletic or
academic. I seek for excellence in anything I do. Perhaps it’s because I never
knew how long I would be allowed to do something so I would go all in before my
time to experience it expired.
I am an analytical person and am very logical in my thinking.
I have been drawn to law and have often thought it would be cool if I could have
been a lawyer. I think I would have been good at it. In the past year or so I
have come to the realization that I can still be a lawyer and pursue my dreams.
When I say this, most people are surprised. After all, I am a mother of 7 and I
am 47 years old. I have decided to complete my bachelor’s in business the past
few years, taking a break in between to have my last child (a bonus baby) at
age 43. My 7 children are the most important mission in my life, and they
definitely require a lot of work. But I dearly love them. It is my greatest
desire to see them succeed. Now I have this other desire that is me focused- to
go to law school. It feels almost selfish. I feel like I am supposed to just
want to be a mother and be happy and fulfilled in it. But I want more, and I
feel guilty for it. When I think about it, I feel like I should be helping to make
my husband’s and kid’s dreams come true and help them to find their passion and
gifts and develop them. But somehow mine are secondary to everyone else, just
like when I was a kid. It is heartbreaking all over again and I feel so torn.
Can I still be a good mother and wife and finally pursue MY dreams? I have no
regrets as a wife and a mother, nor as a sister or daughter. I have not been
perfect in any of these, but I have given them my all and am quick to repent
when I realize I need to be better in some way in any of these roles. I don’t
think I have ever done something so huge and me focused like going to law
school. I am excited and scared at the same time. I am also confident I could
do it. Then there’s the feeling of guilt that I should be happy and contented
with the things allotted to me. I learned at a young age to lower my
expectations, let go of my hopes and dreams, and accept and make the best of my
circumstances and just be grateful. Can I be what everyone else needs and wants
me to be for them and still pursue my dreams? Are my dreams important enough to
spend my time and energy and effort on? Or should my time, energy and effort be
consecrated to the dreams and needs of everyone else in my life? If I do pursue
this dream, how do I still meet all the other needs and wants of my family and
others in my life while doing so?
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